Learn how to move towards stable relationships
Mary Kate is looking to get married to the right guy for several years now. She met Dave last summer and she just fell in love with his sense of humour, his charm, and his loyalty towards her. But when things started to get serious and he started talking about meeting ‘his folks’ she developed cold feet and called off the relationship.
She misses him sometimes now and wonders what could have gone wrong!
This is story of so many of us. Everyone seems to be looking for Mr. Right and Ms. Right but when things get serious, people suddenly get scared and run away from the relationship. Why?
When happiness is right at our doorstep, why do we push it away? There are lots of words to describe this – fear of commitment, fear of missing out (FOMO) and so on. This conflict is one of seeking happiness but when happiness comes close; fear takes over and we run away from it.
Usually, this is never an isolated fear, when you fear commitment in one area, it could be in other areas as well. In actuality, every fear has a root, a beginning. No one is born with their fears. They pick it up during the course of their lives. To go beyond any fear, the root of the fear needs to be found. The fear does not have to be denied or accepted, but rather, its root needs to be dug out. Once the person becomes aware of the root of the fear, he needs to complete with that root incident. There are some things that can be done to overcome this fear.
- Write down all the areas in your life that you have run away from committing. This needs your deep honesty. Don’t rationalize or justify. Just write them all down. For example: I stayed in a job just for a few months and left. When my boyfriend proposed to me, I turned him down even though I loved him.
- Now look back at your life, and write down all the times you have hesitated from committing in your life. It could be as simple as sticking to a gym routine to as complex as running away from people who love you.
- Now look in and try to relive the first time you felt fear. It could be as early as when you were five year’s old. Relive the entire incident as though it was happening all over again. Do not repress anything. If you feel like shaking with fear or crying; do so. Do not hold back.
- Now try to recollect what was the belief or cognition you formed when the incident was happening. For example: You were forced to go to a school you disliked by your loving parents but you were unable to express your fear about the place. Did you feel that ‘I am powerless’ ‘Life forces events in my life.’ Or that ‘I am trapped.’
- Understand, that these belief statements represents your fundamental cognition about life. It could be that because you formed a cognition in a powerless moment, you have been carrying the residue of that past event even today in your life. It has become a big influencer in your life and is governing your future life too.
This residue is what we call ‘incompletion’ and you can complete with them using a wide variety of completion techniques. It is possible for you to come out of your commitment phobia.
Now that you know what your belief is that powerless moment was, you can now change that cognition to a powerful one. Remember, YOU formed that powerless cognition in one moment so YOU can also change it !
Integrity, the Key
Sometimes, people keep struggling with their fears without being able to find the root of the fears. To be able to go to the root of a fear, integrity in thinking is a must. When someone thinks with integrity, they are able to catch the thoughts that cross their mind, and hence, catch the original incidents of when a fear started. Integrity brings awareness in the entire thinking process. Otherwise, the mind is just a football being tossed around from one thought to the other.
With integrity in thinking, the root of every fear can be found. Once completed, the person not only becomes free of the fear, he can also help others overcome their fears!