Fear of being alone

Your true individual self is one of aloneness

Do you get restless, upset or even depressed when you are by yourself? Do you find yourself calling up friends, texting, watching TV or even find yourself surfing aimlessly on social media networks?

If your answer is yes, then you are suffering from loneliness.  The good news is – this suffering is just an alarm or a reminder of your true inner self that is asking or calling out for your attention.

The truth is – your true individual self is one of aloneness.


Just think about it – when you were in your mother’s womb you were alone. You were happy, blissful, and content. Then when you were born, you were wrenched out of that state. When you dies – you go alone!

Great spiritual masters  teach us that the search for enlightenment   is  the strong yearning of our being for  our essential state of blissful aloneness! We have lost awareness of it due to the conditionings that societies and families pass on to us.

As you grew up you started playing many roles – of a son, daughter, mother, brother, employee, boss and so on. You slowly started deeply identifying yourself with those roles and started thinking that the role was YOU! It is like the contents of a package wrongly believing that it is the labels on the box and not what is inside.

Personality vs Individuality

When you identify yourself as your roles,  your personality is born! This personality is purely societal. This personality thrives  on the validation of the outer world people and situations. It finds life and energy in various relationships and gets attention in various forms. Our true nature is that we are pure, intelligent energy but because we forget who we are, we look outside of ourselves for that energy from others, even if it is negative or destructive.

Sometimes as an aggressive personality you get attention from the others. And sometimes as a submissive person you also get validation and recognition. Whatever your ‘personality’ – it lives and thrives in the relationships of the outer world.

Meanwhile, your true self which is unique and represents your individuality doesn’t get attention. It is suppressed but it doesn’t keep quiet. It keeps calling out to you and when it does – it is called the pain of loneliness!

Escaping from loneliness

Your personality wants to be kept alive and when it finds itself alone, It is suddenly confronted by its true self or what the self really wants. And that may be opposite to what your personality is. That’s when the fear and  pain  creeps up in you.

When your mind wants to escape from loneliness it chooses any one of the following 3 ways:

  1. Addiction
  2. Suicide
  3. Meditation

The first path is addiction of any kind, whether to media, entertainment, parties, people, food, alcohol, drugs etc. The second path is when people fall into powerlessness and cannot bear to confront their true selves. They are too frightened to even work with themselves and resort to suicide. It may not be actually killing themselves. They may be leading a dead, uninspired existence, just waiting for the body to die. So many are caught in this form of escape. The third, most intelligent and courageous path is to take up meditation.

Meditation is not just trying to sit  still with your eyes closed. Meditation is spending time with yourself.  It is introspection and reflection – asking yourself what you really want, who you really are and listening deeply to the answers of your being. Don’t worry about whether you are going to change or not, first just LISTEN!

Listening itself can result in great healing.  Many times we ask from the intellect level expecting a particular answer. But true seeking results in experience and you will just realize something beyond the intellect. However, the true seeking has to be present.

Steps to help you overcome your fear of being alone and find your true self

  1. Sit by yourself. Switch off your phone, computer, TV and so on. Now write down all your fears about being alone. For example: ‘I am afraid that people will forget about me or don’t want me.’ Write them all down in great detail. Now after identifying your fears. Write them down. For example: I have fear of abandonment. Or I have a fear that I am not worthy or loved by others.
  2. Now look back into your life, preferably in early childhood and try to recollect an incident when you first felt like this. For example: Your mom scolded you and you felt she didn’t love you. Write down what you remember in great detail, especially your feelings and emotions during the incident. Do not rationalize. This is a very important step so please look back and write down any incident which made you feel helpless or powerless. Then relive the incident very clearly. Forget who you are now. Just go back to that time and become that age again. Relive the whole incident as if it is really happening now. Go through the emotions, vent out, shake and cry as you relive the incident. Let whatever needs to come up come and be relieved of it.
  3. Now write down what was your cognition of the incident, the limiting belief and decision that you made about yourself, others and life. For example: After you were scolded by your mom. You may have cognized – ‘I am not a worthy of being loved.’ Or, ‘I am alone in this world. Nobody supports me.’
  4. Understand that it is your belief system that governs you, not anything else. And these cognitions and limiting beliefs can be changed – and must be changed for you to move from loneliness to blissful aloneness.  Now, as an adult, when you look at the same incident can you  create a new cognition about the same incident. Once you have relieved the pent up emotions and wrong beliefs, you will naturally have a more mature understanding of the situation and you. For example: Your mother was angry at that moment with you about something you did and scolded you.  But it was momentary and not because she didn’t love you. And it doesn’t mean that the whole world doesn’t love you. Make a new liberating cognition for yourself. Instead of living with beliefs that shrink you, choose to live with the reality that expands and fulfills you.
  5. Finally, relive the whole incident again but remember the new liberating cognition that is now sitting inside you.  When you recall and your body starts to shake,  LET IT SHAKE! Do not repress the physical symptoms. It is the stuck energy being released. Go through it with conscious awareness. Once you go through it a few times,   you will be relieved of the painful aspects of the incident completely. Remember your new liberating cognition!

Do this every day for   twenty-one days and start uncovering your true self.  Take baby steps. Don’t expect to do everything in a few days. Be compassionate and very patient with yourself. Handle yourself with great love during this entire process. If you need help, call or contact

When you make peace with your old cognitions, your true self starts revealing itself to you. You move from the pain and suffering of loneliness to the blissful state of pure aloneness – and you will find that you now attract many more beautiful people and situations into your life!

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